Episode 3: The Red Glasses

This is why I said I didn’t want to.
With a surge of regret, my body was slowly sinking to the bottom of the pool.
Was I going to die in this indoor Samezuka Academy pool, at this joint practice?
The cry of “Rei-chan!” I can hear from the poolside is slowly getting further away. It seems like I’ll lose consciousness soon. At times like this, it’s said that people see revolving lanterns. My the theory as for why a revolving lantern? It’s because the brain cells activate just before death, and so it’s the result of all the synapses firing together, and thus showing your state of mind. I’ll probably start seeing that revolving lantern any moment now.
But still, If I were to die I at least wanted to die with a more beautiful appearance. Not while only wearing this speedo. It’s not beautiful.

Now that I think of it, my first memory is of something not beautiful.
It was a cheeseburger from a fast food restaurant that was not beautiful. When faced with this cheeseburger that looked nothing like it’s picture in the menu, before even entering preschool I asked my mother why this cheeseburger was not beautiful.
At that time, my mother said to me.
“Rei, you’re really fussy.”
It was completely unexpected for a child to hear.
What’s wrong with being fussy? What’s wrong with having reasons for liking things, reasons they’re not good, having thoughts and logic about why you think those ways and being able to talk about it? Everyone in society decides things too casually. Too many people decide things without any particular reason, they just say ‘because everyone says that’s how it is’, or ‘that’s just the way it is’, and let it be. I couldn’t accept that.
For example, the colors used to denote girls and boys.
Whether it’s on signs for bathrooms or anything else, it’s been determined that that boys are blue, and girls are red.
It seems that long ago that even backpack colors were decided to be black for boys and red for girls. I think it’s all ridiculous. Why can’t a boy have red? Why can’t girls have black?
For example, even when choosing the color of glasses frames, those same boring stereotypes are held. Early in elementary school, because I read too many books, my eyesight became bad, and so I had to get glasses. My parents took me to the glasses store in the mall, and I chose a red glasses frame. I had fallen in love with the beauty of those red glasses in the showcase window at first sight. My parents and the shopkeeper tried to convince me I should get black or a metal frame instead. But I was determined and didn’t budge.
The result at school was that I was made fun of for wearing red glasses even though I was a boy. The fact that my name “Rei” is also used by girls made it even worse.
The boys in my class singled me out and yelled things like “Hey, Ryugazaki boy-girl!” at me. It was extremely childish, but young elementary school age boys aren’t very mentally advanced. I probably should have just ignored them but every time they teased me, I argued with them. I said things like, ‘Why can’t boys wear red glasses?!’, ‘Do you guys not understand the beauty of these red frames?!’
When I entered middle school, they stopped childishly saying ‘you’re wearing red even though you’re a boy.’ But instead, they started staying ‘Red doesn’t suit you Ryugazaki-kun.” It seems that to other people cooler colors suited me better.
The standards for beauty are different for everyone. Just because I find these red glasses beautiful doesn’t mean that everyone will feel the same. So at that time, I explained these red frames with the little knowledge of color psychology I had.
Red stimulates the sympathetic nerves, and so having the red frames always in your field of vision it was extremely beneficial to studying and sports.
Even as I said that, I’ve become a little anxious about it.
Does red not suit me? No matter how I explain it logically, or think that it’s beautiful, is the fundamental problem actually that red is just not my color? The not beautiful cheeseburger from my childhood crosses my mind. The ideal vs reality. Am I that cheeseburger?
I told my brother who was a high schooler at the time.
My brother’s metal glasses frames reflected in the living room light as he said,
“Rei, you overthink things. Doesn’t that make life difficult?”
I couldn’t disagree with my brother. That’s when I thought,
My brother and I have completely opposite personalities. According to how siblings are, the second son more than the first, in other words, I, should be the one who has the more free personality. So then why. Actually, why am I having these stupid thoughts about theory for a revolving lantern? Aren’t I supposed to see a revolving lantern? Well that could because of the theory of how revolving lanterns occur by using the whole brain. For this to happen, my logical side is stronger than my imaginative side, in other words, my right brain is stronger than my left brain. That means that I’m more logical than instinctive so it’s only natural that I’d be…

Was what I was thinking when I was pulled out of the water.
It seems it wasn’t the revolving lantern and I was just thinking. I hadn’t even swallowed that much water, so it seems all I had done is made a fool of myself in another school’s indoor pool.
“I’ll explain it to Samezuka. I’m sorry we pushed you too hard.”
Tachibana Makoto-senpai said with an apologetic expression on his face.
As I sat on the poolside with a towel covering my head and falling into self-hatred, someone passed in front of me. When I raised my head, it was just as the one Hazuki Nagisa-kun calls “Haru-chan-san” was climbing onto the starting block.
“Haru-chan-san” dove into the water as the starting sound rang.
At that moment, I experienced a shock like I’d never experience before.
You see it a lot in stories, where someone experiences a shock like they got hit on the head with something. I always thought it was just a thing in stories, that you’d never feel like you got hit on the head from shock in real life, but it really felt like that.
I was completely entranced by Haru-chan-san’s— Nanase Haruka-senpai’s swimming form in that one moment.
It wasn’t anything you could get from theory or calculations. It was a beauty that just existed. If only I could sparkle that beautifully. If I could become like Nanase-san. It was a strange feeling that was a mixture of admiration for someone who has some something you don’t and jealousy….
When I think about it later, I had probably already made up my mind at this moment.
I want to swim with this person.
At that time, even though I still couldn’t even swim, I felt that feeling very strongly.

Then, that day on the way home.
It was what happened when Nagisa-kun and I were alone together that solidified my decision.
Nanase Haruka-senpai’s swimming form really was devastatingly beautiful, but even still I couldn’t swim. I wasn’t reasonable for me to join the swimming club. I wanted to sparkle in the water beautifully like Haruka-senpai too. But that was just a dream. Me paddling beautifully through the water only existed in my head. The dream vs reality. I remember that incident from my childhood. That not beautiful cheeseburger.
While I was mulling over that stuff in my head, Nagisa-kun turned to me with big round eyes full of curiosity and started talking to me. It was right when we were seeing Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai off as they were standing over at the train station buying tickets and we were about to start walking.
“Hey, hey. Rei-chan, about your glasses…”
At first, I reflexively thought ‘again?’ and went to interrupt Nagisa-kun with the same words I had repeated so many times by now.
“Well, If you think about it from a color psychology point of view these are……”
I started to say, but Nagisa-kun just laughed over my words and said
“Red frames are so cool! They really suit you, Rei-chan!”
Seeing his innocent smile, it felt like something dissolved inside me. It was a strange feeling, and I couldn’t be controlled by theory and calculations anymore…

Haruka-senpai and Nagisa-kun. They have completely opposite personalities from me.
Even though they were completely opposite, it was on a completely different vector of opposite from me than my brother.
People are drawn to people who are opposites from themselves. From a biological point of view, it was natural for people to be drawn to people who possess qualities that they themselves do not have. In order for people to evolve into a more perfect form, they have to look for genes that they do not have.
……but as I thought that I realized my own mistake.
Looking for genes you don’t have would be a theory that only works between men and women. Passing along good genes isn’t something that works between men. So that would mean I couldn’t explain my feelings toward Haruka-senpai and Nagisa-kun through a biological point of view.
Then why? I became a little confused…
That night I asked my brother has just come home to visit since he was majoring in biology at college.
“You’re as troublesome as always, Rei……”
My brother laughingly said.
“You might think of yourself in terms of science and logic but what you’re telling me isn’t scientific. You’re just being argumentative. You’re always talking about logically this and that, but in actuality you’re emotional. In order to hide that you use logic to explain it away. You’re actually an emotional being. Serious scientists never think of what is ‘beautiful.’ For example, if they were to see a work of art like a sculpture, a real scientist wouldn’t look at it and think it’s ‘beautiful’ they would look at it and say ‘I wonder what sort of material it’s made out of?’”
My brother’s metal framed glasses shined in the living room light as he spoke.
“So then why do try so hard to explain it with logic? That’s because you have a strong desire to be accepted by others. You probably don’t think that yourself, but it’s only natural that you’d want people to accept you, Rei.”
I couldn’t disagree with my brother.
But I thought what my brother was saying was surprisingly on point. I probably was driven by emotion more than logic. Just as my brother had said, thinking something was beautiful really wasn’t logical.
“And one more thing,”
Finally, my brother added on one more thing.
“Your standards are too high. Doesn’t that make life difficult?”
My brother said the same words to me he’d said all those years ago.
I disagreed inside my head. What was wrong with having high standards? No matter how difficult it made life, I absolutely wouldn’t take the easier path. That was part of what made things ‘beautiful’ to me.

I’m going to join the swimming club.
That’s when I decided that.
But now there’s one big problem. I’ve already joined the track club. Not just as a trial member, but actually joined the club. Since I’d been doing pole vaulting to follow in my brother’s footsteps in middle school, I just automatically joined the track club in high school.
Even though it hadn’t even been half a month since I joined the club, I already had to put in my resignation for the track club. When I thought about Sera-senpai who set his sights on me in the track club, it made my heart hurt a little.
The next day after school, I went to the club room early with the intent on telling Sera-senpai I was planning on quitting the club.
“Oh, Ryugazaki. You’re early today.”
Sera-senpai turned to me with a friendly smile.
Sera-senpai was in the club room before everyone else as always. I shut the door to the clubroom with a sense of guilt. Sera-senpai and I were the only ones in the club room. Sera-senpai’s eyes were smiling kindly behind his glasses. It was becoming hard and harder for me to tell him I was quitting.
The first time I met Sera-senpai was on the day of the opening ceremony just after the welcoming party for new students ended. Since I had decided that I’d join the track club right from the beginning, and intending to be the first to arrive, I headed straight for the building that held the sports clubs. But I didn’t know where the track club’s room was so I had been wandering around when Sera-senpai called out to me.
“The track club’s room is over here.”
Sera-senpai said with a friendly smile.
I was a little surprised. This clubroom building held the club rooms for quite a few sports clubs. So how did Sera-senpai know that I wanted to join the track club? I thought it was a little strange so I asked.
“How did you know I wanted to join the track club?”
“Now that you mention it I wonder why? But I just definitely thought you were suited for the track club. You seem like the type who would shine brightly on the field.”
Seeing Sera-senpai say that with such a serious look I thought, “oh, this person gets me.” I was really happy. Sera-senpai is probably someone similar to me. I don’t know if he possesses something I don’t, but he does have something I do, he as the same sort of scent as me…
It was only half a month ago, but remembering that and being alone with Sera-senpai after school made doubt bloom in my heart.
Is it really ok for me to quit the track club?
Wouldn’t it be fine for me to just stay in the track club? Even if I don’t join the swim club, I’m still in the same class as Nagisa-kun so we can be friends. If I want to see Haruka-senpai’s swimming all I have to do is go to the pool, and cheer for them at their tournaments, I can see it as much as I want. I don’t have to swim with them. Besides I can’t even swim.
But…
But I really had been enchanted by Haruka-senpai’s swimming. So much so that I couldn’t go back anymore. I wanted to swim that freely, that beautifully, that easily…
Since I was once again hesitating while thinking that in my head, Sera-senpai peered at my face and said.
“What’s wrong, Ryugazaki?”
“No, it’s nothing………”
I brushed it aside and then tried to broach the topic of quitting the club.
“Um. Sera-senpai. Actually, I……”
I started to say, but I couldn’t keep going, and I only got to the ‘want’ of I want to quit the club before I ended up diverting.
“I really want…. To decrease my time but I can’t…”
“Your time? You’re a pole vaulter aren’t you Ryuugazaki? What does that have to do with time?”
Crap. I said something that didn’t make any sense.
Having him point it out I became flustered.
“W-well. That’s….. When I was in middle school, I also did short distance, and I just couldn’t decrease my time…… So I thought that in High school I should just focus on pole vaulting……”
What the hell had I diverted to? I’m sure it seemed suspicious.
But Sera-senpai was completely unperturbed by it and said,
“I see…… Then you’re the same as me. I was also a short distance runner in middle school but couldn’t decrease my time, so I transferred to long distance.”
Looking at Sera-senpai saying that with a smile made me feel even more wracked with guilt. I couldn’t say the next words, and so the club room fell into silence. The atmosphere between us became awkward.
“Ah, umm…… actually… It’s not about my time……”
I gathered my thoughts, and tried once again, this time for sure. I’d tell him I wanted to quit the club.
“Um, Sera-senpai!”
“Hm?”
“Actually……., I want…… to know about the sports festival.”
No! That’s not it!
“The sports festival……? Oh, you mean the Iwatobi fest in May?”
“Is the track club any good?”
What kind of cryptic things am I asking?
Even still Sera-senpai answered honestly.
“Well, we’re not bad…… Why do you ask?”
“W-well……”
I hesitated once again.
This is no good. I’m just going to be suspicious like this.
Say it. You’re going to say it Ryuugazaki Rei. If you’re already decided it, then it’s only polite to say it clearly.
I gathered my courage and tried again.
“Umm…… senpai. I… that is… I… want …. to eat Tai ramen with you. I heard there’s a new place near the station, would you like to go?”
No! That’s even less like what I wanted to say! What am I saying?!
But Sera-senpai was just as kind as always.
“Tai ramen huh? I don’t really like cilantro, but if you want to do it, Ryuugazaki, then I don’t mind going along with you?”
I was starting to feel like I’d never be able to say it. Besides, there wasn’t even a new Tai ramen place near Iwatobi station.
I’d never make any progress this way. It was about time for the other club members to show up.
I prepared myself to actually do it this time,
“Um, that’s not it! That’s not what I wanted to say! I’m sorry, senpai……”
And before I could say it Sera-senpai said to me,
“Do you want to quit the club?”
“Eh?”
“So you want to quit the track club huh, Ryugazaki……”
“Why… did you……”
I stared at Sera-senpai dumbfounded.
“Well, recently, those guys who started up a new swimming club have been coming to see you every day. I thought they’d invited you to join……”
Sera-senpai gave me the same kind smile as always, but behind his acrylic frame glasses his eyes had a sad tinge to them.
“I’m sorry. I……”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. You should quit the club if that’s what you want to do. You don’t have to make up a reason. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the track club or the swim club or any other club. You should just do whatever your heart tells you to do, Ryuugazaki.”
He was choosing his words very carefully for me. Even though he had no reason to for a new student like me. Even though Sera-senpai was my elder. Even though I was the one who had changed my mind in the middle of things.
My chest felt hot, and to hide it I bowed my head deeply and said in a loud voice,
“Thank you very much……!”
When I looked down, the corners of my eyes became hot, and the inside of my nose felt prickly. I wasn’t sad. So then why was I about to cry? I decided to stop thinking about the logic of it.

The next day I turned in my official club resignation form.
My time in the track club was short. So much it probably wouldn’t even be remembered, but I still felt like I wanted to try jumping freely just one time. In the water, on the land, even though the place was different, I wanted to be beautiful like Haruka-senpai, to be free anywhere, to not be caught up with anything, to follow my feelings, to free my soul, to not use theories or calculations, and just pole-vault as high as I could.
In front of a bar set higher than I had ever successfully cleared before, I stood holding a pole.
When I looked around, I noticed Nagisa-kun, Haruka-senpai, and Makoto senpai at the corner of the schoolyard. I hadn’t told Nagisa-kun anything yet. Not about quitting the track club, and not about joining the swim club.
The wind gently blew, brushing my cheeks.
I pushed off the ground with a hard kick and started running. I plunged the pole into the ground. I didn’t worry about the angle or the velocity or anything.
The pole bent, and my body gently floated upwards.
This feeling… In the wind, it was a feeling of being released from everything. It was the feeling of my soul being opened and becoming one with the wind. Is this what Haruka-senpai calls free? I spread my arms out like I had wings as I flew through the air, and screamed from my heart.
BWA!!
And then the pinky toe of my left foot hit the bar, and it fell down.
I laid face down on the mat, and my vision was filled with black, but I’m sure if I lifted my head the sky would be a blindingly bright blue.
I didn’t even leave a new record for my final challenge, and it ended rather ungainly. But even now I’m still certain that that jump was the most beautiful pole jump I ever performed in my life.