Episode 6: It’s pointless without you, Haru.

It’s pointless without you, Haru.
This makes it the second time I’ve heard Makoto say those words.
The first time was in elementary school. The time that Makoto tried to convince me to swim in a relay with Rin.
Without you, It’s pointless without you, Haru.
I want to swim with you, Haru.

Makoto’s my childhood friend, so he’s an existence that’s always been by my side without question.
That’s why for me I’d never even thought about if it would be pointless without Makoto. Besides, I only swim free. Even when swimming in a relay, there’s no reason it has to be Makoto swimming with me. Of course, there’s no reason it has to be Rin either. I’m always alone in the water. It doesn’t matter who I’m swimming with. That’s why the first time I heard “it’s pointless without you, Haru” I was a bit confused. How should I take those words of Makoto’s? Should I accept them? For a moment, I didn’t know what to do.
The elementary school me didn’t say anything and just stared at Makoto’s face. I’m sure it was only a short amount of time in reality. But to Makoto that short moment probably felt like forever. He quickly said, “sorry for saying something weird” and smiled at me. I probably should have said something back to him at that time. I took advantage of the fact that Makoto understood me without me having to say anything.

And now more than 3 years have passed since then, and I’ve heard Makoto say those words to me again.
It was the night of our training camp. There was a storm on the deserted island. Makoto, who went out to save Rei who nearly drowned in the ocean from the sudden change in weather at night, was swallowed up by the waves. It brought back Makoto’s trauma of dealing with the ocean he’d had as a child.
I dove into the raging ocean and pulled the sinking Makoto out. Nagisa and saved Rei, but I had lost sight of them in the storm. I believed that they were safe, so I pulled Makoto up onto a small deserted island.
Makoto was laying on the beach in the heavy rain breathing weakly. I was at a loss for what to do but was getting ready to breathe air into Makoto’s lungs. To secure his airway, I brought my mouth close to Makoto’s that was open in a painful seeming way.
But before I could breathe for him, Makoto coughed violently and woke up.
To avoid the violent rain storm on the deserted island in the middle of the night, Makoto and I hid under a rock. Even though it’s been awhile since we got out of the ocean, because the rain kept hitting us from the side we hadn’t dried at all and were still completely soaked. I could tell that our body heat was slowly leaching away. Just why had Makoto agreed to do a training camp in the ocean anyway? I’m sure we could have found another place that wasn’t the ocean. Because an old fisherman he was friends with died in an accident in the ocean when he was little, Makoto had always had this trauma. So then why?
While we were hiding under the rock on the deserted island since there was no sign of the storm dying down anytime soon, with the sound of the heavy rain and wind threatening to drown it out was when Makoto said those words again. The same words he said that time in elementary school.
Because I want to swim with you again, Haru
I want to swim in a relay with you again, Haru.
Without you…… It’s pointless without you, Haru.

*　*　*

“What’s wrong, Haru-chan?”
Nagisa said while peering at my spaced out face with a worried look.
“Nothing……”
I looked out the window. The storm outside was letting up.
When we met up with Nagisa and Rei and took shelter in this abandoned rest house, it was still raining hard, and we all searched for food and drinks. After we were dry, Nagisa, trying to disperse the heavy mood said, “shall we play dice talk?” and so while we talked about silly things the storm had passed. When Makoto calmed down, he confessed about his trauma to Nagisa and Rei. We went outside, and we were engulfed by the vast, starry sky that was left after the storm had passed. After that, we all went back inside the rest house to wait until morning.
It was at that time.
That Makoto’s words came back to me.
It’s pointless without you, Haru.
I didn’t properly answer Makoto’s words when hearing them for the second time either.
When I glanced at Makoto, he seemed to have already calmed down, and he was holding an unopened can of instant coffee in his hand and asked me “Haru do you want some too?” with a smile.
Now that the disaster had passed, all we had to do was wait until dawn.
Drinking coffee was fine, but I should probably sleep some.
Just then, Nagisa said with excited, sparkling eyes.
“Hey, hey, Then why don’t we play until morning? Dice talk round two!”
Nagisa is endlessly energetic.
It was a game where we rolled a dice with the four of our names on the sides, and the person whose name came up had to share some sort of story like an embarrassing story, or a love story. The improvised dice we made had Rei’s name on 3 sides, and Nagisa Makoto and mine each on one of the other sides.
“I don’t have any more stories. I said all I could think of before……”
“Well, the likelihood of you coming up was one-half.”
“I want to hear more about you guys this time. So, I’d like to propose a new rule.”
“What rule?”
“We roll the dice, and the person whose name comes up gets to come up with a topic of their choice. Then everyone answers the topic in order. That way it’d be fair, and I’d get to learn all sorts of things about all of you too.”
“That might be good. I was getting kinda tired of only hearing Rei-chan’s stories anyway.”
“Nagisa-kun, you’re awful! Besides you’re the one who made this dice to begin with!”
“Eh! But I wanted to know all about you Rei-chan.”
At times like this Nagisa is a devil.
Rei stared at the devil with a serious face.
“That’s the same as me. I want to know more about you guys.”
“Then let’s try out the rule that Rei said. I’m interested in hearing everyone’s stories too.”
Makoto said to mediate between the two.
“I hadn’t seen Nagisa in 3 years, and……”
Makoto glanced at me quickly.
“Even though I’ve been with Haru this whole time, there are still stories I haven’t heard before, so learning new things is fun.”
“Then it’s decided. Well then let’s go!”
Rei threw the dice and dice talk round two began.
The dice rolled on the floor and the first result was “Rei.”
“That’s great. Then, I’ll come up with the topic. Let’s see, to start off……”
He paused for a moment and then Rei said while pushing up his glasses with a finger.
“When eating the strawberry on a short cake, do you eat it first or save it till last? Why?”
After the pause was a surprisingly common question.
“Eh? Rei-chan, is that what you want to know?”
“We should start with a light jab. Nagisa-kun let’s start with you.”
“I definitely and one to eat it first? Because I want things I like first, your stomach is empty and you’re excited so you just want to eat it you know? And besides. If I save the best for last right when I’m about to eat it my sisters might just come and steal it from me.”
“I see. I figured you’d eat it first, Nagisa-kun, but it’s not just because you want to, but you have a reason for it……”
“That’s because Nagisa has 3 older sisters.”
Makoto said while smiling, and I made it into an idiom.
“The early bird gets the worm, huh?”
“Yeah! But it’s more like the early bird gets the strawberry?”
“That’s not how the idiom goes. Then, next, Makoto-senpai, please answer!”
“Ah! Mako-chan could it be that you’re like my older sisters and steal Ran-chan and Ren-chan’s strawberries!?”
Nagisa jokingly asked.
“Makoto-senpai wouldn’t do that would he?”
Rei said instantly.
“Right. If it was one way or the other Mako-chan is the one who gets his stolen.”
“Hehe. Ran and Rei do like strawberries…… but when I’m eating by myself, I’m the opposite of Nagisa. I save the important part for last. I wait and wait……. I imagine the taste and texture and smell while I’m eating and get more and more excited! But I keep waiting. I only eat it once I get to the point where I just can’t stand waiting anymore I guess?”
“You have so much self-control……”
“That seems so hard!”
“Makoto is the type to push himself.”
I once again responded for him.
“Which one are you Haru-chan?”
“I don’t really care. I don’t really love or hate strawberries.”
“Then if it was mackerel which one would you be?”
“Oh! Mackerel short cake!”
“That sort of fishy cake is gross! How about we change it to a grilled saba meal, which is served with strips of daikon and seaweed, miso soup, rice, and pickled veggies, please think which you’d eat first out of those
“It depends how I feel on that day.”
“Well, you are like that, Haru…”
It’s just as Makoto says. What I eat first depends on how I feel on that day. It’s best to decide at that time. I always want to be free…
Just as I thought that I suddenly realized something.
I only swim free. Even while I say that, I call myself free. Is that really free? Being free is an obligation. Being free itself is not free. What is free really…?
As I fell silent while thinking about this Makoto asked Rei as if he was trying to save me.
“What about you Rei?”
“Rather than thinking about whether I eat the thing I like first, I’m one who eats while thinking of the beauty of it. If I eat the strawberry first, then the top of the short cake would just be whipped cream. I want the red strawberry to stay on the pure white cream the whole times. But if I just leave it there and eat the cake portion it will fall off part way through and leave it in a not beautiful way. That’s why I use the short cake eating theory.”
“There’s a theory for that?”
“It’s a plan I came up with myself. I carefully cut the cake with the cream and the strawberry with a knife preserving the exquisite balance until the end.”
“Does it really taste good that way?”
Nagisa frankly questioned but Rei was unperturbed and straitly answered.
“Preserving the beauty is the most important thing!”

We kept doing the dice talk after that.
Because of the percentiles, Rei got the most questions.
“What is your first memory?”
“What’s your favorite saying?”
“If the world were going to end in a week what would you do?”
“When you take a bath, what’s the place you wash first?”
That’s what Rei calls a jab. He’s just throwing out common questions one after another.
My first memory is of water. It’s the memory of being submerged in my first bath. I’ve told my Family and classmates this before but all they say is “There’s no way you could remember that.” I think no one believes me other than Makoto. I remember that up until then I had been crying nonstop but when they put me in my first bath, I felt a strange sense of security and stopped crying right away.
Then my favorite saying is, of course, I only swim free. I’ll leave it as that.
As for how I would spend my last week before the world ended, I wouldn’t really do anything special. I’d just live normally. I’d want to spend my last moments in the water. That’s all.
When I take a bath the first place I wash is, of course, the bath tub. If I don’t make the bathtub clean first, I can’t calmly soak in the water. That’s something I can’t put up with.
“No, Haruka-senpai. I don’t mean that. It’s a question of where on your body you wash……”
“What would you get from knowing that, Rei?”
“The place where you wash first. That reveals something hidden about your personality and desires.”
“That’s no good Reichan. You can force out Haru-chan’s secrets.”
“No, it’s not forcing them out or anything, it’s all from a psychological standpoint.”
“Yeah, yeah, Rei-chan. It’s fine. Just go to the next question.”
Nagisa urged and Rei reluctantly threw the dice again.
This time it landed on the side that said “Nagisa.”
“Oh! It’s finally me! Now it’s my turn to ask questions! Well then……”
Nagisa thought for a moment and looked around at everyone,
“How about a dream that you had recently that was interesting, scary, strange, or left some sort of impression on you?”
“You can figure out a person’s secret desires from a psychological point of view with that question can’t you?”
“Really? Well, it’s fine. Rei-chan what dream did you have recently?”
“As for me let’s see…… It must have been a dream of flying in the air. I think it’s because I did pole vaulting for so long, I’ve had a lot of dream of flying up until now. But the dream I had the other day was of my biggest jump of all my dreams. It was a dream where I jumped to the height of 10,000 meters and so I was above a sea of clouds and it was just like I was swimming. By the way from a psychological point of view, dreams of flying indicate a desire to be free.”
“Oh! So it means you want to be free Rei-chan! Then, do you know what my dream would mean!?”
“Alright, I’ll think about it so try telling me.”
“Umm. The last dream I had was a dream where I was playing with penguins at the south pole when a large strawberry shaped space ship came down and attacked. So in order the save the penguins that had been abducted I tried to transform to fight them, but no matter how many times I tried to transform I couldn’t. In the end, I was finally able to transform into a bowl of udon but couldn’t transform back and a polar bear came up and cracked an egg into me and ate me. Then inside the polar bear’s stomach, I met up with Rei-chan who had grown a beard?”
“I don’t know the meaning of that……!”
“Eh, even though I told you all about it? You can’t interpret my dream for me?”
“It’s too illogical I can’t decipher that. And why did I show up in the polar bear’s stomach with a beard!?”
“You didn’t just have a beard you were also wearing a Santa hat? You were wearing a suit and necktie though.”
“I understand it even less!”
“Tsk. Then, Haru-chan, what dream have you had recently?
“I don’t remember. Even if I dream I forget them right away.”
“Eh? Really? When what about you, Mako-chan?”
“Me? I……”
For a moment Makoto’s expression became cloudy. Like he remembered a bad dream or something.
But that expression went away quickly and then,
”I’m the same as Haru. I haven’t had any dreams that I can remember recently……”
He smiled as he said it like he was trying to hide it.
The next time the dice was thrown it landed on “Makoto.”
“This time it’s my turn to ask huh? Well then……”
He thought for a moment and then Makoto asked.
“How about what are you all most afraid of? You know like how I told you before I’m afraid of the ocean. I want to hear all of the things you guys are scared of……”
Nagisa raised his hand first and answered.
“Oh oh! I’m afraid of my older sisters. Especially the oldest one. She’s probably the nicest of the three, but when she gets angry……”
He said it with a tone of voice like he was telling a ghost story.
Rei asked seeping somewhat frightened with a serious face,
“……When she gets angry, what happens?”
Nagisa continued like he was telling a ghost story,
“……do you want to know?”
He said just like once he heard he’d never be able to go back.
“……no, I’ll pass. When I go to your house to hang out, I’ll just end up thinking about what would happen if I met that sister, so I think it’s best for me not to know.”
“Oh, of course, Rei-chan! Then we’ll end that discussion here!”
Nagisa ended it in a forcefully happy way, but stopping before hearing the ending just made me want to know all the more. But Makoto didn’t seem to want to know any more than that.
“What are you afraid of, Haru?”
It came to my turn.
“The thing you’re most afraid of. something scary”
Something scary to me….
I remembered my past and thought about it.
That’s when, suddenly, a flashback scene of Makoto drowning ran through my mind.
I see…
I realized. I think this was the first time I ever felt this feeling that was making it so I couldn’t say anything inside of me.
Makoto’s weak breathing as he lay on the beach. The fear that I might lose Makoto at that moment.
The fear that that presence that had always been with me would suddenly disappear…
“What is it, Haru-chan?”
“Nothing……”
I answered but it seems I wasn’t able to hide my hesitation.
Makoto was looking at me with a worried face.
“Haru?”
I didn’t have words, but I quickly thought of another answer.
“I… am afraid of water disappearing from this world. That’s all.”

We kept playing dice talk for a while after that, but before long everyone started getting sleepy and dozing off. Nagisa fell asleep first, and then Rei took off his glasses like he was going to fall asleep. I must have fallen asleep at some point and started dreaming.
In my dream, I was floating face up in the middle of a large ocean. There was not even one cloud in the sky and no wind. There were no waves and the smooth, clear ocean was endless, I couldn’t see any land. While I surrendered myself to the swaying ocean water, I looked to my side. There bobbing in the water beside me was an orca toy. I don’t know why, but I had a strong feeling that it was Makoto’s. But I couldn’t see Makoto anywhere. The orca toy was just there floating in the water without its owner. Where was Makoto? Where did he go? For a moment I started panicking. I was scared of the thing that was always by my side without question disappearing. That emotion of fear amplified itself in my dream until I couldn’t stand it anymore and shouted out.
Makoto! Where are you, Makoto!?
I kept desperately calling out Makoto’s name in the middle of the endless ocean.
Makoto…!

When I woke up, there was a dim light in the rest house.
Outside the window, day was starting to break.
Nagisa and Rei were almost snuggled up together, sleeping with quiet breaths.
But Makoto wasn’t next to me.
“Makoto……?”
I woke up instantly. Could he really have……?
I left Nagisa and Rei sleeping and headed outside.

Makoto was standing on the beach in front of the rest house.
He slowly turned towards me as the sun was starting to rise.
There was the soft sound of waves.
The wind from the ocean blew Makoto’s hair.
Makoto looked at me, as I had rushed out here so quickly, and asked with a strange voice.
“What’s wrong, Haru?”
I was a little embarrassed for being so shaken up, so I looked to the side and said.
“Nothing. I woke up and you weren’t there, so I was a little worried……”
“Sorry, Sorry”
Makoto said while smiling.
“I couldn’t sleep, so I came outside for some fresh air.”
“That’s fine……”
I answered quietly.
Then I thought about the question Makoto asked before. Something that’s scary to me? What is the thing that I’m most afraid of?
The thing that I’m most afraid of. That’s a presence that’s always been with me suddenly disappearing. I thought that that might become a suitable answer to “It’s pointless without you, Haru” The feeling that I hadn’t been able to put a name to until now.
But I thought I could put it into words now.
Makoto. I…
“What is it Haru?”
“I….”
I tried to get it out of my mouth, but, I really couldn’t put it into words.
I felt embarrassed about saying it out loud.
“Nothing…”
Makoto smiled at my hesitation.
Seeing that I thought, oh, right, Makoto can read my mind.
Seeing Makoto’s smile, it made me feel relieved.
“Nothing. Thank you, Makoto….”
Since it’s Makoto, he can understand without me saying anything.
I once again took advantage of Makoto’s feelings.